4 months, 12 days and I’m living in a sunny drought.
For whatever reasons, the holidays this year seem so small. Perhaps it’s the idea that I’m no longer in school and I’m a full-time employee. I’m not a kid anymore. I can’t request to have my gifts wrapped even though I know what they are. I have no desire to see the 20-year-old artificial Christmas tree set-up in the living room. No Christmas cookie baking. No Christmas Eve midnight gift exchange. Not even a return back to my hometown.
Where is my chance to see the Rockefeller Christmas tree lit up in the middle of night on the deserted streets of New York City? Where is my snowy walk through winter wonderland? Where is my hot chocolate as I watch ice skaters dance in the Rockefeller ice rink? Where is the scent of snow that I now long for? It’s all missing, and I’ve never felt so homesick until now. Oh the irony.
Time has been passing by so fast, yet, nothing is happening. I’ve always had something to look forward to. In high school, I kept thinking about what my life would be life once I go off to college. I constantly told myself that I only had a few more years - few more months - few more weeks - etc… until I finally packed up and left to New York. Then in college, I would look forward to graduating. Finish college and just work without having to worry about finals, homework, or keeping a grade point average. Now… I’m done… No more school and I have nothing much to look forward to. I’m just working. For once in my life I have a fuzzy future and it’s not sitting well with me… I don’t know how to change that.
I have this personality that needs a something to chase after. I need an urge to get me off my ass and do something. I don’t do well when I’m stable. I like to stir the pot. I like to keep things spontaneous and.. well.. a little crazy. I cause trouble in my own life cause I get bored. Simple as that. I really need to break this habit…
Holidays are literally around the corner and I’m just so out of it. Work has been chaotic and all I want to do is lay in bed and hide under the covers. I don’t want to think about work or life or where I’m going. What happened to the days where I just sat at a Starbucks and just wrote for hours? It’s only at those times I’m able to live in a different world than my own. A more interesting and dramatic world. I need to start writing again.
The walls kept tumbling down
In the city that we love
Grey clouds roll over the hills
Bringing darkness from above
But if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like nothing changed at all?
And if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like you’ve been here before?