Chemical - Kerli
1 month and 19 days and I’ve lost track of time.
It only takes a second for life to guide you down a path. Whether life chooses for you to live or die, it’s within that second. I’ve always been a true believer in fate. Destiny. Everything happens for a reason. Why waste energy trying to figure out why things came to be? What did I do to get to where I am? Where did it all go wrong? How is it possible that I’m experiencing such joy? The ups and downs. Ups and downs. Never ending. An infinite cycle.
I spent this month traveling. Learning. Appreciating. Cherishing. Awakening. I’ve caught myself staring at a beautiful sight and wondering how on earth I got so lucky. What did I do in life that allowed me to deserve such bliss? Blessings. Then I would fall off the peak of the roller-coaster and hate myself as I wallow in the guilt of mistakes I’ve made. I would dwell in the consequences of my actions. Life somehow finds balance. The good, the bad, the horrible, the wonderful. There is never a flat line. Mountains followed by hills. Spikes and thorns.
I almost lost one of the most important people in my life yesterday. A shock to my system. The phone call everyone wishes they would never receive in their lifetime. Thankfully, an angel has been watching over me and my family. A spirit that guides us to the brink of danger and pulls us back in. We all need a little reminder. A nudge to make us realize the important things in life. What we need to focus on. What we should be dedicating ourselves to. Who are the ones you need most in your life. Why you should stop wasting your time on things that are insignificant. DO SOMETHING flashing in neon lights. It’s not okay for us to sit on the bench and remain stunted. It’s now or never. Here and now. Fear is a blessing in disguise.
I am grateful that my family is healthy. I am grateful that we are there to support each other when one of us is kicked down. I am grateful that we struggle, but yet we find ways to come back together. I am grateful that we are not broken. Take everything from me, this is all I need and want. I don’t ever want to forget this feeling driven by fear of loss. Not again.
How unfair, it’s just our luck
Found something real that’s out of touch
But if you’d searched the whole wide world
Would you dare to let it go?
What about angels?
They will come, they will go make us special
Don’t give me up
I’ve been thinking of you a lot lately. Not sure what is triggering it. Maybe because I’m lonely? Maybe cause I’m a little lost. Perhaps it’s because I wish you were here sharing life moments with me. Yeah, that’s why.
I stare in the mirror. My eyes trickle down to the words Carpe Diem etched into my skin. I think about what it really means. The phrase describes you completely. I reminiscence about who you were. Full of joy. Laughter. Love. Spontaneity. Life. You were full of life, every single day. I will never be you, but I will continue to try.
How many others have the same words etched into their skin? I remember that feeling of comfort. How wonderful it felt to share such a horrible heartache. Ironic right? Out of the darkest moments of our lives, something so beautiful was created. A connection or some sort. I think long and hard about whether it’s possible to ever feel that again. I like to humor myself with what-if scenarios.
What if I never left? What if I tried harder to keep others in my life? What if I found happiness in the lifestyle you all shared? What if I never grew up? What if I hid in the security of being stagnant? What if I allowed love to conquer happiness? What if I made completely horrible choices? What if I didn’t runaway?
Would memories of you be more clear? Would I still see your face everywhere I turn? Would my heart still hurt as much as it did when you died? Would you still be here…?
These thoughts don’t really go away. As time passes, I still think about the same things over and over again. I had this idea that time would make me forget. Forget what it’s like to make foolish decisions, be deeply in love, be so blinded by anger, feel such incredible joy, cherish friendships, and regret the paths I chose. But I still remember my past, mainly the bad things versus good. You’re a faded image in my mind, yet our argument sounds so clear. Why? Why does the human brain recall the bad moments so instantly and yet struggle to appreciate the good ones? Are we all made this way? Do we function the same?
I miss you. I’ve written thousands of words trying to describe the deep hole in my chest, but it’s still left hollow. Will this longing for you ever go away? As every year passes, will I love you less? Miss you less? Remember you less? You were my defining moment. The point in my life where I finally woke up and realized how much of my heart I’ve wasted. I don’t hate. I’m can’t be angered. I no longer care about what has been. I just want to share memories of you with those who knew you the way I did. Nothing more. Nothing less. Could it still be possible? Would it bring me joy?
How much would a person risk to fill an ounce of that infinite hole?
I lit a fire with the love you left behind,
And it burned wild and crept up the mountainside.
I followed your ashes into outer space
I can’t look out the window,
I can’t look at this place,
I can’t look at the stars,
They make me wonder where you are…
And if I know you at all, I know you’ve gone too far
So I, I can’t look at the stars
All those times we looked up at the sky,
Looking out so far, we felt like we could fly.
And now I’m all alone in the dark of night,
The moon is shining, but I can’t see the light,
And I can’t look at the stars…
I have this feeling of being watched. I have this fear of being judge. I have this obsession of seeing my life through other people’s eyes. I have this sickness of caring what people think of me. I have this hypnosis state that makes me do things I don’t want to do in order to please others. Will I ever break away from this?
Has this city poisoned me? Have I become so self-absorbed that I no longer recognize who I am? What happened to the girl who didn’t care what she wore as she walked the streets of New York? What happened to the girl who wore her glasses and did not feel the need to explain why? What happened to the girl who didn’t care how big her apartment was because it actually felt like home? What happened to the girl who ate whatever the hell she wanted? What happened to the girl who wanted to go home because she missed her parents? Who am I?
I’m so exhausted living up to imaginary expectation. I’m so sick of letting people down. I’m so angry for allowing people’s perceptions of me scar me. I’m so frustrated at hating myself for empty reasons. I want to fall in love all over again. Love every inch of myself. Be passionate. Dissolve this fear of living life incorrectly. I’m fighting this war of selfishness and I can’t surrender. If do, there is no recovering.
Wanna be remembered?
Stand out in the crowd
Don’t choke on the fire
It’s tryin’ to burn you out
Why so low?
What are you waiting for?
All I ever hear are whispers
I just wanna hear your voice
Don’t be afraid
Why don’t you scream a little louder
Turn it up, I know you can
Come on and scream a little louder
8 months, 15 days and it’s time to reset.
I’ve yet to forgive myself for the many mistakes I’ve made in the past. I’ve gotten very good at hiding them all with this facade of pompousness. I have this idea that my past is written in stone and there should be no time wasted in attempting to engrave explanations. My heart is heavy with regret, and I’m not going to lie, it’s been hard letting go these weights. Is it ever really possible to rid yourself of regret entirely? I’m not quite sure, but I never stop trying.
Since moving to a new city, I’ve been wandering in the dark. Am I doing okay? Who is judging me? Am I alone? Do I have enough relationships? Am I confronting my issues? I tip toe around always wondering if I’m making the right decisions. I’m so easily convinced by others’ opinions that it’s so difficult to decipher my own. I’m frightened of who I’ve become. I avoid mirrors so I do not have to face the person looking back at me. When will I ever change?
I hit that brick wall. I crashed into it. It happened. Was it a sign for me to wake the fuck up? Was it a warning? Perhaps I’m supposed to walk away and DO something. Change something. Actually care about myself. Fix myself. Take care of myself. Realize that the way I’m living is not normal. It’s not healthy. And there are so many things I can do differently to be a lot happier. So why am I doing them? Why do I avoid the problems and sulk in my flaws? Why am I preventing myself from living a better life?
This is day one.
And I don’t know where I’m going
But I know it’s gonna be a long time
'Cause I'll be leaving in the morning
Come the white wine bitter sunlight
Sometimes I wonder if my life is all about the number of stamps on my passport. Whether my happiness is measured by the amount of miles I’ve traveled. Or if the several cities I’ve explored makes me a better person. Do I live life in solitude? Do I catch myself alone and consumed by my other thoughts? Well, yes. I’ve held this… disguise of confidence since being brought down by people with worthless lives. Does that mean I am judgmental? Who am I to say I’m so much better off? Who am I to believe that their happiness equates to a fraction of mine?
I am wrong. I am foolish. And I am weak. I compare myself to others. I seek reassurance from others that my life is complete. That my life is successful and fulfilled. I am wrong. It is me, and me alone, who should accept the person I am. To deem myself as accomplished and joyful. My mind does not quit. It is a natural instinct for me to find flaws and exploit them so mine look so miniature. There is this fear that sits heavily on my heart that I’m average. Normal. Perhaps even common. Is that so bad? Am I insane? Are these insecurities going to swallow me whole? Yes.
How can someone love me if I can’t even love myself? How can people form bonds with me if I can’t even stand who I am? I take my life for granted at times. I’ve lost that will to see the greatness in me. Why? Where has it gone? Have I allowed people to destroy it? Has others’ perceptions corrupted my mind? How do I escape this cage? How do I rid myself of this poison? Will I ever?
This is my generation. And there is no escape.
UGH. I want him SO BAD.
Just one of those nights where I like to #write myself into an entirely different world. #befearless #findyourpassion