closet writer

I'm the hero of

this story. I don't need to be saved.

Beating Heart

8 months, 15 days and it’s time to reset.

I’ve yet to forgive myself for the many mistakes I’ve made in the past. I’ve gotten very good at hiding them all with this facade of pompousness. I have this idea that my past is written in stone and there should be no time wasted in attempting to engrave explanations. My heart is heavy with regret, and I’m not going to lie, it’s been hard letting go these weights. Is it ever really possible to rid yourself of regret entirely? I’m not quite sure, but I never stop trying. 

Since moving to a new city, I’ve been wandering in the dark. Am I doing okay? Who is judging me? Am I alone? Do I have enough relationships? Am I confronting my issues? I tip toe around always wondering if I’m making the right decisions. I’m so easily convinced by others’ opinions that it’s so difficult to decipher my own. I’m frightened of who I’ve become. I avoid mirrors so I do not have to face the person looking back at me. When will I ever change?

I hit that brick wall. I crashed into it. It happened. Was it a sign for me to wake the fuck up? Was it a warning? Perhaps I’m supposed to walk away and DO something. Change something. Actually care about myself. Fix myself. Take care of myself. Realize that the way I’m living is not normal. It’s not healthy. And there are so many things I can do differently to be a lot happier. So why am I doing them? Why do I avoid the problems and sulk in my flaws? Why am I preventing myself from living a better life?

This is day one. 

And I don’t know where I’m going
But I know it’s gonna be a long time
'Cause I'll be leaving in the morning
Come the white wine bitter sunlight

There. You know, you wreck everything you touch.

Hard not to rebelog. Stitch obsessed.

(Source: ohanawaii, via kimtnguyen12)

A thousand silhouettes dancing on my chest

Sometimes I wonder if my life is all about the number of stamps on my passport. Whether my happiness is measured by the amount of miles I’ve traveled. Or if the several cities I’ve explored makes me a better person. Do I live life in solitude? Do I catch myself alone and consumed by my other thoughts? Well, yes. I’ve held this… disguise of confidence since being brought down by people with worthless lives. Does that mean I am judgmental? Who am I to say I’m so much better off? Who am I to believe that their happiness equates to a fraction of mine? 

I am wrong. I am foolish. And I am weak. I compare myself to others. I seek reassurance from others that my life is complete. That my life is successful and fulfilled. I am wrong. It is me, and me alone, who should accept the person I am. To deem myself as accomplished and joyful. My mind does not quit. It is a natural instinct for me to find flaws and exploit them so mine look so miniature. There is this fear that sits heavily on my heart that I’m average. Normal. Perhaps even common. Is that so bad? Am I insane? Are these insecurities going to swallow me whole? Yes.

How can someone love me if I can’t even love myself? How can people form bonds with me if I can’t even stand who I am? I take my life for granted at times. I’ve lost that will to see the greatness in me. Why? Where has it gone? Have I allowed people to destroy it? Has others’ perceptions corrupted my mind? How do I escape this cage? How do I rid myself of this poison? Will I ever? 

This is my generation. And there is no escape.

UGH. I want him SO BAD. 

UGH. I want him SO BAD. 

(Source: closet-writer)

Just one of those nights where I like to #write myself into an entirely different world. #befearless #findyourpassion

Just one of those nights where I like to #write myself into an entirely different world. #befearless #findyourpassion

Let’s make this fleeting moment last forever

5 months, 6 days and it’s a New Year. 

What a whirlwind of a year. I must have shotty memory because I can barely recall what I was doing, how I was feeling, and where exactly I was 6 months ago… It’s hard to think about everything that has happened to me this past year. The good, the bad, the ugly, the way, way, way worst. But then there is the great, amazing, and absolute wonder that has happened to me. I honestly have to admit that this year has probably been the best year yet. It’s the year that I actually felt comfortable being myself.

I grew the fuck up. Ha. That’s an understatement. I learned that it was better to walk away with my chin up, than to stubbornly fight with my time and breath wasted. I stopped caring about what people thought of me, and started to be honest with those who stuck around me after discovering all my flaws. I let go of the past and embraced my brighter feature. I conquered my fears and realized that planning isn’t always the best. I prevented myself from relying on others and chose to take care of myself. I quit trusting people who constantly lied and grew more fond of people being straight up blunt with me. And I finally turned away from people dragging me down and built a foundation with people I will cherish the rest of my life. 

I lived life to the fullest during my last few months in New York. I absorbed every ounce of the city I fell in love with before departing. I created long-lasting friendships and cut away those that were only mere shells of friendships. I finished my last semester of school and graduated with honors. I opened my eyes and saw how proud my family was of my success. I spoiled my parents with a vacation. I traveled solo to the best cites of America. I experience culture and natural beauty. I found myself. I accepted myself. I put faith in destiny. I didn’t let others bring me down when I was left to face the unknown after graduation. I allowed myself to be scared, and then did something about it. I was offered a dream job and moved to an unknown city. I apartment searched and signed a lease on my own. I cut away the financial security of my parents. I handled my own rent and bills. I situated myself in a place that I never thought I would belong. I do belong. 

This year was a blur. I did things that I never would have predicted. I amazed myself with my ability to pick-up my life and drop it somewhere entirely opposite of what I knew and loved. I am happy with who I’ve become, what I’m done, and where I am. It took me a long time to realize that not many people could say that about their lives. I’m one of the lucky few who was blessed with such a wonderful life and I am so grateful every minute I live it. I can only hope that 2014 will bring so much more fortune. I know it will. 

Resolution: Write for at least one hour a day. This is the year you will discover if writing professionally is your future. 

Let’s make this fleeting moment last forever
So, tell me what you’re waiting for?
I’m gonna keep it frozen here forever,
There’s no regretting anymore.
It’s worth the wait, even so far away.

I just wanna sink into crazy laughter
Make me feel until the pain don’t matter
Every second here makes my heart beat faster
Finally think I found what I’m chasing after.
All alone, where my dreams are made of gold
In the zone where the beat is un-controlled.
I know what it feels like
Come on make me feel alive

s2katiebaby

(Source: ffuckbeingpolite, via kshante)

The cure to writer’s block is allowing yourself to be horrible.

4 months, 12 days and I’m living in a sunny drought. 

For whatever reasons, the holidays this year seem so small. Perhaps it’s the idea that I’m no longer in school and I’m a full-time employee. I’m not a kid anymore. I can’t request to have my gifts wrapped even though I know what they are. I have no desire to see the 20-year-old artificial Christmas tree set-up in the living room. No Christmas cookie baking. No Christmas Eve midnight gift exchange. Not even a return back to my hometown. 

Where is my chance to see the Rockefeller Christmas tree lit up in the middle of night on the deserted streets of New York City? Where is my snowy walk through winter wonderland? Where is my hot chocolate as I watch ice skaters dance in the Rockefeller ice rink? Where is the scent of snow that I now long for? It’s all missing, and I’ve never felt so homesick until now. Oh the irony. 

Time has been passing by so fast, yet, nothing is happening. I’ve always had something to look forward to. In high school, I kept thinking about what my life would be life once I go off to college. I constantly told myself that I only had a few more years - few more months - few more weeks - etc… until I finally packed up and left to New York. Then in college, I would look forward to graduating. Finish college and just work without having to worry about finals, homework, or keeping a grade point average. Now… I’m done… No more school and I have nothing much to look forward to. I’m just working. For once in my life I have a fuzzy future and it’s not sitting well with me… I don’t know how to change that. 

I have this personality that needs a something to chase after. I need an urge to get me off my ass and do something. I don’t do well when I’m stable. I like to stir the pot. I like to keep things spontaneous and.. well.. a little crazy. I cause trouble in my own life cause I get bored. Simple as that. I really need to break this habit…

Holidays are literally around the corner and I’m just so out of it. Work has been chaotic and all I want to do is lay in bed and hide under the covers. I don’t want to think about work or life or where I’m going. What happened to the days where I just sat at a Starbucks and just wrote for hours? It’s only at those times I’m able to live in a different world than my own. A more interesting and dramatic world. I need to start writing again. 

The walls kept tumbling down
In the city that we love
Grey clouds roll over the hills
Bringing darkness from above

But if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like nothing changed at all?
And if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like you’ve been here before?

s2katiebaby

You know, all that really matters is that the people you love are happy and healthy. Everything else is just sprinkles on the sundae

Paul Walker (via pinkblazerguy)

(via camizlbby)

I find it important to appreciate the foundation, not just admire the building.

It’s been four years since I’ve been home for Thanksgiving. It’s an odd feeling to be home during this time of year. My mind keeps thinking it’s Christmas - feasting is all the same to me… 

This year I decided not to take on so much work in the kitchen. I always try to do something elaborate thinking I’m Martha Stewart or something. Well, I’m not. And something ALWAYS ends up burning or tasting horrible. I have given up. Well… Until I have my own huge kitchen in my own house. Then I can attempt to cook all I want.

I’m thankful for a lot this year. It’s been a dramatic year. It seems like it all happened ages ago, but no. It’s almost the end of the year and I’m trying my best to take grasp of the feelings I had not too long ago.

First off, I’m thankful for this fire inside of me. Yes, I’m going to be selfish and be grateful that I have this personality of mine. But those who know me well may question my sanity, because I’m a fireball of characteristics. I’m curious. Ambitious. Independent. Stubborn. Naive. Temperamental. Aggressive. Honest. Self-conscious. Yet - confident. Over-analytical. Caffeine addict. TV junkie. Dreamer. Slightly a know-it-all. And not really normal. Yet, with all the bad and good, I’m thankful to be who I am. I have no need to be anyone else, or to be different. 

Second, I’m thankful for my family. Because of their love, support, and tendency to pick on me, I’ve only strived for the best. I never had a fear of getting shoved into an unknown world and was forced to survive. I chose to move to one of the toughest cities on my own. I lived on my own. I graduated from a prestigious school. I traveled to many different places. I experienced different cultures and natures. I have an amazing job. I’m now living in another great city, on my own, supporting myself. They have pushed me from the beginning. Loved me during the lowest (idiotic) points of my life. Supported me when I lost confidence in myself. I never understood my need to run from them when I was rebellious teen, but now I do. It was never about running. I was just made to fly with my own wings.

Third, I’m thankful for my friends. I had this notion (while I was in a dark stage in life) that I wouldn’t be able to find people to ground me, to make me better. Then I was thrown into a world full of people I wanted to be surrounded by. Eagerness. Hunger. Courage. Determination. I made amazing friends during my college life. These are friendships that I never thought were possible. We live in different corners of the world, yet at the drop of a hat, we can pick up the phone and call each other for anything. I was fortunate to carry these friendships with me as I venture into the unknown and settle in unfamiliar places. I can’t thank them enough for shaping me to the person I am today. 

Fourth, and last. I am thankful for the little things in life. Having a great job. Having a great manager. Having the ability to pour emotions onto pages. Having the creativity to write. Having the funds to travel. Having the option to travel back home to visit family so easily. Having the electronics to get me through the days. Having a perfect apartment in the perfect location. Having an income to live on my own and support myself. Etc… Sometimes the smallest things in life always support the biggest things in life. I find it important to appreciate the foundation, not just admire the building. 

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Even if it’s for a short 5 seconds, take the time to say one thing you’re thankful for today.